So, for real, I think, I'm back

I’m back!  I’ve not been away, just been unable to create anything that I considered worthy of posting.  I think I have moved beyond that road block and am looking forward to writing and sharing on a somewhat regular basis.

When I was still working I was also posting often.  A number of my colleagues were my greatest fans and supporters.  My confidence was buoyed and my creativity inspired by their regular and immediate in person feedback and enthusiasm.

Once I retired I was left much on my own to keep me going.  And for me, that is when I can oh, so easily get caught up in a negative thinking cycle in my own head.  I have nothing of value to say.  No one is interested in what I am writing about.  Add to this some overwhelming stress and feelings of inadequacy due to major family situations, and, well, I simply became immobilized.  It wasn’t that I couldn’t sit and write, couldn’t sit and think.

This is not a new place, I have been here before.  And I have also rebounded before and, thank God, now.  

The summer I turned 40 was a remarkable time.  Within one week my brother J and my Mother died, my Mother on my 40^th birthday.  The following month a relationship I had been in/out for quite some time abruptly and decisively was ended, not by me.  And, as if that wasn’t enough, my apartment was robbed!  I mention this because the long term effect of these traumatic losses forced me to face and make peace with them and a childhood and adolescence of filled with hurts and devastations. 

I was so fortunate to have been able to work through the current losses and the long held pain with a brilliant psychiatrist.  The therapy was hard, painful, insightful and successful.  I was left with many “pearls of wisdom,” which I would be given, scrawled on a yellow post-it as I would be leaving a session. 

The one that finally resurfaced recently and got me “un-stuck” was “don’t compare your insides to other’s outsides”.

Having long ago learned that I am not unique, I know that so many of us do this.  And it can be so negative and crippling.  Like me, so many of us present to the world, our friends, colleagues, acquaintances the person we want to be.  And, like me, this is so often not that person who can live within us.  Usually I can maintain a fine balance here, but sometimes I forget.  When I am most vulnerable, low in confidence and self-esteem, struggling with depression I forget.  That’s when I see only my fragile and lacking inside and it comes up so short when I compared to the outside presences of the rest of world.  

I mention this here as I think many of us experience this.  As it is good for me to be reminded, well perhaps it will be good for some who may be reading this also.

Being full-time retired for less than a year, I am still figuring out how to spend my time and still struggling with keeping myself socially engaged and mentally stimulated when not going to work on every day.  I just have to remember that should not measure my retirement, experiencing it from the inside of me against that of others, viewed by me from the outside.  I suspect that the first year of retirement for many is a similar roller coaster of ups and downs while this whole new way of life is defined. I am loving retirement which is not to be confused with every day is an absolute joy.  I love the freedom to explore and do what I want.  And I look forward to sharing more of this process and my experiences here.

Where have I been?

It has been quite some time since I posted anything.  I've been going through a long period of feeling I had nothing to say that anyone would care to read.  Still not sure that isn't true, but am feeling more confident to express myself.  So I shall try to get back into writing and posting on a regular basis.  Doing so is truly good for me and hopefully provides something for at least one other.

A few weeks back I made a trip to Brooklyn, NY for a visit with my long time friend, S.  We haven't seen each other in about 20 years, though we have kept in touch.  Having done a similar re-connect with childhood next-door-neighbor/best friend P and it having been an absolute success, I wasn't anxious about how this visit would go. 

We've known each other for almost 45 years and have been through so many of life's ups and downs together.  I was confident our bond was so established that years apart would just slip away.  And they did.  I pulled into the driveway, S came out to greet me, we looked at each other, gave each other a bear hug of welcome, and whoosh, it was as if I had been there just last week for a visit.

Our time together was a delight.  We talked, and talked, and talked.  Everyone one of my dear friends is special and I have been blessed to have a number of them.  S has been with me through marriage, an emotionally wrenching divorce, regaining my self-confidence as a woman, and embarking on an actual career.  She has comforted my anguish, applauded my successes and laughed with me at my foolishness.  I can only hope I have been as good a friend to her as she to me.

When driving there and back I was bitten by the "road trip" bug. Being in the car and on the road for a long journey I was remembering my trip to Nova Scotia and how exciting that was.  So, I do need to plan another excursion, but that will take some time and might not happen for many months.  What I decided while driving was that, when going on a journey, if not pressed for time, I would not take the usual direct highway route, rather I would take other parkways and back roads and do "mini road trips" whenever I could.

So I have found my voice again and regained my sense to explore.  As I do so I will keep a record here.

HOT AND SPICY MOCHA DRINK

Last month my library book group read The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin.  I thoroughly enjoyed the book.  Each chapter began with a reflection by A. J. Fikry on a short story, his favorite genre.  I found myself reading the entire short story or the Cliff Notes before the chapter and that really enhanced my appreciation.

When I read something I really like I then look for other writings by the author and proceed to go on a binge.  Gabrielle Zevin writes both adult and young adult fiction.  I opted to start with her Anya Balanchine trilogy.  I’ve finished All These Things I’ve Done and am now being delighted with Because It Is My Blood.  When done with this I will rush into In the Age of Love and Chocolate.

The prevalent back drop in these books is chocolate.  Because It Is My Blood starts with a recipe for a spicy chocolate drink.  Using that as inspiration I have concocted a hot and spicy mocha drink which is really satisfying on these oh, so cold winter nights.

So, I recommend The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry and, based on my further readings thus far, anything/everything by this gifted young woman.  And here is my concoction that you can sip while you read.  Tonight I may take it up another notch and add a bit of rum, mmmm, yummy.

Hot and Spicy Mocha Drink

Quart espresso coffee

Quart milk (I used low fat, and it was still very rich)

4 ounce Semi-Sweet Chocolate bar

2 Cinnamon Sticks

3 Dried Chili Peppers

1 Tablespoon vanilla

½ cup sugar

Brew 1 quart of espresso coffee and set aside.  In a large sauce pan combine milk, chili peppers, cinnamon sticks, vanilla.  Heat mixture to a rolling simmer.  Simmer for 2 minutes.  Remove from the heat.  Break the chocolate bar into pieces, add to milk mixture and whisk until the chocolate is fully melted.  Add sugar to the chocolate milk mixture and whisk until the sugar is fully dissolved.  Add the coffee.  Sample and adjust the heat or sweet to taste.  Pour through a strainer before serving. Makes a whole lot (2 quarts) that can be refrigerated and heated as needed.

Ah, to be young and in love!

There’s a commercial on TV for an “over-50” dating site; the couple is steaming the windows in their car when a cop comes over.  Next you see the officer walking away chuckling.  

Well, this reminds me of an incident when I was married.  It was many years ago, we were young, and if not in love, in lust.  We had been driving a beat-up, second-hand, Impala for quite a while and finally were able to trade up to a better used car.  

I deferred to my then husband, G, for the selection.  He opted for a Buick Riviera which in retrospect I think really looked like a pimp car, but at that time, early 70’s, we were both young and foolish enough to think it grand.

After having the car for a few days we were heading home in it and had the notion that we needed to “christen” it!  

It was a weekday, both of us had work the following day, we were in Brooklyn, and not having grown up there, knew of no “parking” sites.  We lived not far from Marine Park and thought that could be a good choice.  It wasn’t the summer, a coolish night, so we figured finding an isolated spot on the beach would be easy.

And it was.  We drove onto the sandy area and stopped when we thought we were far enough to not be noticed.  Lights off, engine off, doors lock, we jumped into the back seat and began the Christening ritual.  

After not too long and fortunately before any garments had been removed, a flashlight was shining through the windows.  We got back into the front seats and demurely opened the window.  There was no conversation – just a request for both of our ids and the car registration.  These were quietly and respectfully handed over.

The officer stepped back from the window and reviewed the documents.  With a very amused smirk, he queried, “you both have the same last name, and um you’re married?”  Naively and quite proudly we chimed, “oh, yes.”  His next question was” why are you here?”  Still naively and proudly we explained about wanting to christen our new car.  That did it for him and his smirk broke into a full guffaw.

Apologetically he explained that we were on conservation land and could not stay here, rather had to move along.  

Relieved at only being told this, we turned the car on and prepared to head out.  Except, this conservation land was very soft sand and instead of moving forward we simply sunk the tires into it.

At that time G was the auto mechanic in a local body shop.  So, with the cop’s assistance (this was in those olden days, before cell phones) he got a call into the shop to send a tow truck to get us out of the sand and onto pavement.  

Very quickly it came.  Once again there was the litany of questions about what and why we were where we were.  Before we could try to offer a different explanation, the cop told all.  So by the end of the evening the car had not been christened and our escapade was known not only to our local constabulary, but also to all of G’s co-workers.

This incident did not deter us.  The car did finally get christened.  That weekend we took a drive to where I grew up and found a still remote and viable spot!

WELLNESS

My New Year goal for this year is WELLNESS.  Long ago I stopped making resolutions that were precise and specific; they pretty much set me up for failure.  General targets leave lots of room for varying degrees of success and those successes keep me inspired and motivated for future goals.

Transitioning from the holidays to this New Year has not been quite as smooth as I would have liked.  Don’t know what I did or when I did it, but somehow I stressed both my feet/ankles and both my hands/thumbs.  This has caused a pretty significant flare of arthritis pain and tendonitis and has delayed me doing all I intended.  

I got myself checked out medically, nothing dire, more or less further conditions of aging.  I been going to PT and OT and have been fitted with hand and feet braces.  I’m now well on the mend, finally.  I will probably sport some sort hand supports full time, am thinking to quilt or embroider covers so that they can match my outfits!!!  The ones for my feet/ankles will be for exercising only.

In part, because of this it has taken me this whole month of January to put all that I identified as steps to WELLNESS into place.  But I’ve done it!  And I made it before the month ended! Just!

For me, WELLNESS includes the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual, along with the physical.  So, I have an assortment of activities geared to all of these.  Here they are in no other order than how they show up on my calendar

• I have joined Weight Watchers, where I had had success in the past.  I don’t have a specific weight goal, rather I want to lose enough weight to get out of plus sizes and get out of my own way.  It is a realistic goal that I know I can achieve by year end.  I also this will give some relief to my feet and stop my blood pressure from creeping up.

• I have joined a gym.  This is not the first time, but I feel that this is going to be unlike so many other times.  I will pay my weekly fee AND actually use the facility, been there 3 times already!  I am starting off gently as my hands and feet recover with 3x a week gentle water classes in the warm water (ahhh) pool.  As the body parts get better I will add a mix of over-50 stretching/balance/yoga.

• I have joined the book group at my library.  I have been reading the selections for quite a few months, but now have arranged my schedule so that I can also attend the monthly meetings.  It is nice to gather with others and share impressions and opinions about something we have all read.  As all these activities settle I may look for another book group, I love reading and enjoy discussing what I have read.

• I am attending my churches weekly Bible Study group.  I avoided this and, frankly, dismissed it for a long time.  When I lived and worked in Boston I belonged to a Scripture Prayer group based at the Paulist Center.  My rather superior and disapproving comment to myself was, I don’t want to just “study” Scripture, I want to pray it!  Not having a strong background in either the Old or New Testament (I was raised Catholic, after all) I think this was more my way to deflect the intimidation I felt for those who are well versed in scripture.  Well, surprise, surprise (she says, tongue in cheek) I really enjoy these weekly sessions.  And having the insights these discussion bring makes the Sunday reading so much more meaningful.

• I have joined 2 quilt guilds that I have been following on the Internet for a number of years.  Gathering with other quilters and seeing their work has really inspired and motivated me.  I began a baby quilt, who knows how many years ago; I suspect the intended child may now be in college!  Well, after a few more hours today it will be done.  And then I am onto another incomplete project.  I have committed to finishing at least four “in progress” projects before starting a new one or buying on single fat quarter!

• I volunteered to mentor a participant in a financial literacy program.  This is run by the non-profit, “Budget Buddies”.  I am so looking forward to being helpful and useful.

In addition to these regularly scheduled activities I’ve enrolled in one of the Life Long Learning classes at Norther Essex Community College and, if that is a positive experience, I shall enroll in others.  

I got a wonderful “Game of Thrones” coloring book for Christmas and spend time relaxing and coloring.   

My churches’ craft group is resuming in Feb and I look forward to our doing a group project.   

I’ve really gotten into making soups which I enjoy and enjoy sharing as I am incapable of making less than 2 gallons. I just tried a new one, Butternut Squash and Apple - so good, will post that recipe here.

I’ll not bore you with the week by week details, but as I complete things or reach milestones I will share my successes.   

This year I turn 70, it is quite conceivable that I have another 10 years or more ahead of me.  I want to go into this next phase with a feeling of overall WELLNESS which will energize me and allow me to do whatever intrigues or presents itself.  Probably not bungee jumping, but I can’t rule out a zip-line!